Friday, November 25, 2011

Dew on Glass...



Haiku for Rebecca's Haiku My Heart..

She's covered
All with  woolens
Dew on glass


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Wintery chill
Cold expressions
Warm shoes laugh..

****

Edited this haiku a little based on the inputs from
Bill of http://haiku-usa.blogspot.com/

Lipstic marks
On the goblet's edge
Her empty promise..

RS : )

16 comments:

  1. Enjoyed both, especially the first.

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  2. Slight changes, but the way you invoke images with your haikus stays the same... I love your words Ramesh!

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  3. reminds me of the trip in the office bus in mornings. the mist clouding the window and some of us just writing on it :D

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  4. I would like a pair of those laughing shoes, please! :)

    haiku on Friday
    a handful of syllables
    scattered heart to heart


    Haiku here and here

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  5. I like all of them. Visually perfect.

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  6. warm shoes are very important on a cold day

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  7. Oh Ramesh,
    I like all of these haikus. It is like you are building a story. These haikus are very visual. I see them as black and white pictures in a city really. they are very good.
    Noelle

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  8. I agree with Noelle! You create such vivid stories with your haiku.

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  9. My warm shoes laugh at wintery chill... how did you know? Fabulous haiku!

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  10. When I click your name, I always know I'm in for a treat. I was not disappointed. Since I'm cold tonight, I resonate with the warm shoes but that last haiku really grabbed me. Empty promises.

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  11. dear ramesh,
    lovely haiku that each hold a story!
    today, you have left the moon jealous!

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  12. When I left the original comment, I didn't mean to cause you more work, but I like the change too!
    You do paint pictures with your words, whereas some of us rely on the photo/images to give substance to our haiku.
    At any rate, these are perfect glimpses of urban life Ramesh! =)

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  13. All of these are fantastic as always. You seem to get one word or two-word phrase that piques much interest and can even change the verse according to one person's interpretation. Not sure if it is meant that way, but that is the effect it has on me.
    Thank you for so much encouragement and good thoughts recently. I appreciate it greatly.

    Peace.

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  14. great haiku as always...such diversity in the use of the word light...

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  15. "lipstick (sp) marks" is quite good, Ramesh. You need an article before "edge" ("on edge" is an idiomatic expression that means "nervous"). I'd suggest you go this way:

    lipstick marks
    on the goblet's edge

    and make line 3 more personal:

    her empty promises

    Thus:

    lipstick marks
    on the goblet's edge . . .
    her empty promises

    And you might consider "smears" instead of "marks," though there is nothing wrong with "marks."

    "pretty woolens": generally avoid adjectives that evaluate (pretty, beautiful, ugly, etc.). Prefer adjectives that describe, that make us see the thing more sharply, more vividly, more intensely. And, on the adjective in general keep in mind Mark Twain's advice: "When in doubt, strike it out."

    shivering with cold
    I laugh all the way
    from my shoes

    just a thought for the second one. "colder expressions" is not strongly descriptive (colder than what?)

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  16. These are some great lessons for me.. and each one of them become a better haiku.. it is a long way.. but then now that I have someone to guide.. I shall continue the journey...

    I am truly honoured Bill and the care and effort you have put in giving me inputs overwhelm me...a gift of selfless giving..I am the lucky receiver.. Thanks a lot Bill..

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