April 13, 2012
Written for Haiku Heights
April Challenge..
Prompt: Warmth..
No warmth ;
her tears too become
ice cubes
Just wanted to see the magic of a single haiku..
***
After rethinking, I thought of editing the haiku to 5-7-5 which came out as:
Ah, no warmth for me;
her tear too transforms into
a tiny ice cube..
***
Here's final haiku a 2-3-2 which
is born with suggestions from friends
as given in comments below..
No warmth;
tears become
frozen
RS:)
***
After rethinking, I thought of editing the haiku to 5-7-5 which came out as:
Ah, no warmth for me;
her tear too transforms into
a tiny ice cube..
***
Here's final haiku a 2-3-2 which
is born with suggestions from friends
as given in comments below..
No warmth;
tears become
frozen
RS:)
Its intensity has crossed all the limits...I would rather say that any number of haiku can't match this single haiku...a great thought sir... :)
ReplyDeletePS: in the 1st and 3rd line please check if the syllable count is correct...if I'm not wrong then I guess they are 2 in both of them... :O
Yes, it's OK..I have made haiku with 2-5-2..format..less than 17... that's what I understand..from many a discerning and good poets active on the web..
Deleteok... :O
Deletegreat great haiku sir. I completely agree with Sarab. The depth in this haiku has no bounds..
ReplyDeleteso deep :)
ReplyDeleteVery direct, strong emotions. I enjoyed this haiku of yours.
ReplyDeletebeautiful image Rameshji.. single haiku has a lot of power. i know you have an affection for the cascaded form, but this had a lot of depth in less words... i personally feel that power of depth missing in cascade most of the time :)
ReplyDeletehowever, i think, with the last line, rather than "ice cubes", a more apt one would be "frozen" :)
That was very touching...!
ReplyDeleteSuccinct, but the better for that. I wonder if the message would be stronger without the "too" in each second line? If we're taking the modern view of the poem being more important than exact form?
ReplyDeletePerhaps what you say is right.. but I stressed because what I wanted to show was that one was not spared even the warmth of tears also along with everything else..
DeleteI can feel the deep freeze from here - tears turning into ice cubes? I've never thought of that . . .
ReplyDeleteI like both of these haiku, but the 3-5-3 version is my favorite.
I love the first version!
ReplyDeleteHi Ramesh, thanks for inviting me to join in the discussion, I love the brevity of the first piece, but why not go even further, if you really want to make it succinct you could cut the middle line to three syllables. I would definitely lose the 'too' as Viv suggests and also possibly the 'her'. Leo has a great idea for the end line 'frozen' because every tear is as different as every snowflake, whereas ice cubes are seen as being uniformal. How about:
ReplyDeleteNo warmth
tears become
frozen
Or:
No warmth
her tears like
ice cubes
I am so happy..it's amazing how more minds coming together can create magic.. Thanks Andy.. lovely.. I am adding the last one to keep Leo's and your suggestion.. alon with Viv's..
DeleteRamesh, I love the shortest one. But wouldn't be able to really comprehend and praise it without the first one. Honestly speaking number 1 is the favorites with me. It's very interesting to play with the number of the syllables and see what different impressions they make.
ReplyDeleteI should try this experiment, too :-)
Ramesh, great contrast here between warmth and coldness - literal and figurative.
ReplyDeleteRichard
Very thought provoking. As always a pleasure to read.
ReplyDeleteThe last one is the minimum, which still holds the essence... Beautiful!!
ReplyDeletei like how you Challenge yourself
ReplyDeleteto try new ways
with different words
reflecting
the same meaning
It was fun to see the succession to the final and best.
ReplyDeletePerfectly chosen words...you only need a few.
You are a master of language.
We both went to the same place, it seems. I prefer the first of the three.
ReplyDeleteI read all three versions and the first is my favorite. I think that is usually how it is. That is the first one your mind created...
ReplyDeleteWow...magic of just three words...amazing...Beautiful haiku with so deep meaning :)
ReplyDeleteConsidering the saltiness of tears, I wonder if they really can become ice cubes...
ReplyDelete“The Warmth of Your Breath”
Wow. I like all three! Very creative!
ReplyDeletePeace