Thursday, April 12, 2012

Warmth...for Haiku Heights..

April 13, 2012
Written for Haiku Heights
April Challenge..



Prompt: Warmth..


No warmth ;
her tears too become
 ice cubes


 
Just wanted to see the magic of a single haiku..

***

After rethinking, I thought of editing the haiku to 5-7-5 which came out as:

Ah, no warmth for me;
her tear too transforms into
a tiny ice cube..

***

Here's final haiku a 2-3-2 which
is born with suggestions from friends
as given in comments below..

No warmth;
tears become
frozen


RS:)

26 comments:

  1. Its intensity has crossed all the limits...I would rather say that any number of haiku can't match this single haiku...a great thought sir... :)

    PS: in the 1st and 3rd line please check if the syllable count is correct...if I'm not wrong then I guess they are 2 in both of them... :O

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    1. Yes, it's OK..I have made haiku with 2-5-2..format..less than 17... that's what I understand..from many a discerning and good poets active on the web..

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  2. great great haiku sir. I completely agree with Sarab. The depth in this haiku has no bounds..

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  3. Strong image in this single haiku, nicely done

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  4. Very direct, strong emotions. I enjoyed this haiku of yours.

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  5. beautiful image Rameshji.. single haiku has a lot of power. i know you have an affection for the cascaded form, but this had a lot of depth in less words... i personally feel that power of depth missing in cascade most of the time :)

    however, i think, with the last line, rather than "ice cubes", a more apt one would be "frozen" :)

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  6. Succinct, but the better for that. I wonder if the message would be stronger without the "too" in each second line? If we're taking the modern view of the poem being more important than exact form?

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    1. Perhaps what you say is right.. but I stressed because what I wanted to show was that one was not spared even the warmth of tears also along with everything else..

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  7. I can feel the deep freeze from here - tears turning into ice cubes? I've never thought of that . . .

    I like both of these haiku, but the 3-5-3 version is my favorite.

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  8. Hi Ramesh, thanks for inviting me to join in the discussion, I love the brevity of the first piece, but why not go even further, if you really want to make it succinct you could cut the middle line to three syllables. I would definitely lose the 'too' as Viv suggests and also possibly the 'her'. Leo has a great idea for the end line 'frozen' because every tear is as different as every snowflake, whereas ice cubes are seen as being uniformal. How about:
    No warmth
    tears become
    frozen

    Or:

    No warmth
    her tears like
    ice cubes

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    Replies
    1. I am so happy..it's amazing how more minds coming together can create magic.. Thanks Andy.. lovely.. I am adding the last one to keep Leo's and your suggestion.. alon with Viv's..

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  9. Ramesh, I love the shortest one. But wouldn't be able to really comprehend and praise it without the first one. Honestly speaking number 1 is the favorites with me. It's very interesting to play with the number of the syllables and see what different impressions they make.
    I should try this experiment, too :-)

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  10. Ramesh, great contrast here between warmth and coldness - literal and figurative.

    Richard

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  11. Very thought provoking. As always a pleasure to read.

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  12. The last one is the minimum, which still holds the essence... Beautiful!!

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  13. i like how you Challenge yourself
    to try new ways
    with different words
    reflecting
    the same meaning

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  14. It was fun to see the succession to the final and best.
    Perfectly chosen words...you only need a few.
    You are a master of language.

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  15. We both went to the same place, it seems. I prefer the first of the three.

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  16. I read all three versions and the first is my favorite. I think that is usually how it is. That is the first one your mind created...

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  17. Wow...magic of just three words...amazing...Beautiful haiku with so deep meaning :)

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  18. Considering the saltiness of tears, I wonder if they really can become ice cubes...
    “The Warmth of Your Breath”

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  19. Wow. I like all three! Very creative!


    Peace

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